I Fear Silence

Silence is intimidating… to me, anyway. There are some select people in our loud community who do, in fact, embrace Silence. They don’t mind and, if anything, see Silence as an occasional dropper-by with whom they exchange shy glances across a busy street, before getting on with business.

Not me, however. Whether it’s a lull in conversation or the gentle hum of emptiness on weekends, I am intimidated. Why must I be? Silence won’t hurt me. Silence has nothing against me.

Silence doesn’t have an agenda. Does Silence?

Silence likes to massage my shoulders and whisper things in my ear. Scary things. Things I’d rather not remember. Thoughts that usually would drift at the back of my head come to center-stage only when Silence decides to drop by.

My thoughts and Silence converse so easily. They stand on the horizon as dark silhouettes. They stand there, hand in hand, waiting for me to drop my guard long enough for them to pounce and devour.

Silence is stern. Silence watches intently, glares at me from across the room when I am incapable of being interesting to the person with whom I try so desperately to communicate. I try to hint at Silence’s presence, nudge others around me in Silence’s direction and try to make them see its potential for danger. But they never notice my urging. So, I am forced to look hesitantly over again at Silence, who smiles sardonically and settles more comfortably into the armchair.

I ride the bus, sometimes. I try to drive Silence away with music. I remain plugged into my cellphone device like it’s my life support, but Silence still sits next to me. Squishes me against the window. All I can do is sigh, and hope time will fly by as fast as the pipes in the tunnel walls.

Silence will sometimes settle right next to me at any given time – at home, at school, in bed – and play with my hair. Occasionally, Silence will put a hand to my chest, ghostly fingers curling around my heart.

And Silence will settle in: into my heart, soul, and being.

I doze off, but my mind is awake and screaming.

Silence has come to visit. And I fear… Silence has come to stay.

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Thrum

My eyes are so goddamn tired. I feel a deep thrum around the crescents of my eyelids which begs me to close my eyes and keep them that way. The sensation of throbbing in my forehead aches to get attention, and is urging me to go to sleep and dream about a distant future where I am completely happy. There is a tingling in my long fingers and cramped toes, and the familiar warmth of my bedsheets call to me from home. I just want to be unconscious and smell the crisp detergent in my pillow case that so often lulls me to sleep. I want to watch through my eyelids the light which peeks from between my blinds, dancing on the ceiling, and breathe in the cold air that exists outside my plush comforter set blanket.
Instead I sit and listen to the instrumental of people’s voices and pretend I am paying the slightest bit of attention, as my mind wanders beyond the hidden horizon masked by the stubborn black trees. I glare at the indifferent grayness of the sky outside the window, as the sound of heavy footsteps pierce my ears in beat with my heart.
My eyes are so goddamn tired…