First, shout out to my inability to keep a straight face. Whether I’m happy, sad, or mad, my face always gives me away. You are a sneak, you like to snitch on me, but that’s alright. Sometimes it makes for awkwardness, but other times you can make others laugh. I forgive you, lack of straight face, for making me completely transparent to both my friends and my enemies. It’s for the better, sometimes.
Next on the list is my lack of focus. I can never get anything done with at least a little pressure, and I totally blame you. The irony of your existence is that I am eager to perfect every detail, but how can I if you are distracting me? Nonetheless, I have spit diamonds out when I am under pressure, even if the diamonds do end up a little bloody. You are what puts me under pressure, for better or worse, and I guess I can forgive you for that.
Third is my self doubt. I could find a cure to cancer, you would make me worry about the color of the bottle. Placing one word out of place feels like my undoing, and sometimes it can be so crippling I give up before I try. It’s not okay, definitely not, but perhaps, self-doubt, you just want me to the shoot for the stars. I forgive you for taking the wind out of my sails, because maybe I need to appreciate my journey more, not the destination.
Next is my mental illness. Anxiety and depression, this one’s for you. Personality disorder, you can join as well. You guys have absolutely ravaged me. You have stripped me of my belonging, my worth, and my dignity. I am so incredibly thankful I could at least claw myself back to health, but it took a lot of sacrifice. To be frank, I am not forgiving you for any other reason than to move on. I just want to close this chapter, even though I know that may never truly happen. Nonetheless, I need to forgive you before I can live, so that’s that. I forgive you. Now leave me alone.
Finally, I want to forgive myself. I want to forgive myself for letting all of these demons get the better of me, for letting them make me believe I am worthless, stupid, and undeserving. There was no way I could have caught myself red handed until I lost most of what I value in life: friends, security, agency. I let myself go at one of the most crucial times in my life, and the cost was devastating. I might not ever get back what I lost, but I need to forgive myself in order to build back something new.
I forgive myself, because I want to liberate myself from the past. So this is it.
I forgive myself.
And I hope you can too.