Daughter

One thing I can never forgive is how prejudiced adults tend to be towards those who are younger. I am not being melodramatic when I say I feel pressured to be the perfect daughter and student and person.

Because I’m a girl, there was always an added amount of stress we’ve had to go through. We are to be poised and perfect and obedient- at least, in my culture. I am a feminist so I’ve never loved this custom, but I put up with it anyway because that is the one thing that is asked from me as a member of my family.

But sometimes, I mess up- and because I am not someone who messes up as much as the next person (I mean that as immodestly as possible) my mistakes tend to be on a more colossal scale according to onlookers. ‘Onlookers’ means my family or the people within my ethnic community. It’s a bit Dumbledore at times.

I… strive- to be the picture-perfect daughter. I try so hard to please everyone, and quite honestly I feel like it’s slowly been eating me alive. I’ve quite recently come to the realization that I don’t do anything to please myself anymore. I try at school to make my parents proud, and that I can eventually go to a good university to make them even more proud. I play music to please my (grand)parents. I read certain books so I can appear literate and cultured to family friends (and to participate in adult discussions, just so I can prove myself). It’s even come to the point that I write solely so I can impress my friends and family, and prove I’m not the stereotypical electronic-driven teenager hooked on powders and pills.

One area I am horrible at is home economics. I ruined the kettle the other day. I made glass explode in the kitchen at the same time (luckily no one was there). Don’t ask me how. Very recently I accidentally almost threw out something worth $150. Not to mention I’m a horrible host (I’m too socially awkward and introverted), I can’t speak my mother tongue too well, and I never know how many times I’m supposed to peck someone on the cheek when I meet them as per our customs. I can’t even organize kickboxing for my friend and I- I’m too shy to call the place, but mostly… I’m terrified I will make a mistake.

I am terrified of making mistakes. Terrified.

My breath shortens at the thought of it.

One might even call me an atychiphobic (fear of failure).

I feel it is too down the road for me because it’s been hardwired into my brain. I feel I will never quite get a handle of my emotions and I will always be extremely morose when I make a even a slight mistake.

So I urge you- please, please please understand that we are people. We are people with emotions and minds and a will that can be broken. Sympathize, empathize, and remember the times when you felt misunderstood, because everyone has before. Everyone has been put in a horrible spotlight that they never asked for.

I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. But sometimes amazing people don’t realize that I am not a doll. I am not designed to be dressed as they please, I am not designed to act as they please, I am not designed to not make mistakes.

I’m already rotting. Don’t spoil what still has a chance.

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